A Guide to Clarinets for the BBC Sherlock Fandom
by JessamyGriffith
Summary: John Watson - doctor, soldier, clarinetist.    In BBC's Sherlock, from a throw away line comes this: a guide on clarinets for fan fic writers. Covered are basic technical specs, techniques, construction, and whether or not a clarinet is sexy.
1. Is a clarinet sexy?

Thanks to gelishan, whose work entitled 'Violins: A Guide For The Sherlock Fandom" inspired the foundations of the work, which went as follows:

Me - John... plays clarinet. Really? Hum. I don't play anything except jug. But I do know an accomplished clarinetist! I'll ask him.

*Sends list of questions to Omnicron. He sends back the first half of writing you will find below.*

Me - Not enough. Fan fic authors need to know - how SEXY is the clarinet?

*Video call ensues. Omnicron's ears go red at some of my suggested uses, but is good about answering.*

Me - Well, THAT was informative. Who knew?

So, all praises due to Omnicron, without whom this would never have made it on the net. For good or ill.

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><p>Okay, the next bit is authored by myself, as I have an interest. Okay, so it's a bit... suggestive. WARNING - sexy clarinet business ensues. (Jessamy Griffith)<p>

**John Watson - Doctor, Soldier, Clarinetist**

_Sarah: You're, um, well you're a bit over-qualified.  
>Watson: I could always do with the money.<br>Sarah: Well we've got two on holiday this week and one's just left to have a baby. Might be a bit mundane for you.  
>Watson: Ah no, mundane is good sometimes. Mundane works.<br>Sarah: It says here you're a soldier.  
>Watson: And a doctor.<br>Sarah: Anything else you can do?  
>Watson: Learned the clarinet at school.<br>Sarah: Oh! I, I look forward to it._

What does this mean for our John Watson of BBC Sherlock fame, the only Watson (so far as I know) to have ever mentioned being able to play music?

**He played in school.**

This could mean anything from "I started as a kid, my mum made me," to "I was in band/orchestra in secondary school," on and possibly through the start of his uni career. He probably gave it up when he started his med studies, or just let it slide. Maybe he quit as soon as he could so he could play rugby instead. Maybe he went to band camp, or was in a youth orchestra!

_Think of the possibilities inherent there!_

Depending on your interpretation, John could one of the unfortunates who never wanted to play the clarinet - his mom made him, or perhaps he actually wanted to play trumpet but for some reason he couldn't. Perhaps his dad had an old clarinet he passed down. Perhaps the school already had enough trumpet players, so he didn't get much of a choice.

Or it could be that he was good, _very good. _

**Why would playing the clarinet suit John Watson's character?**

Consider the clarinet's role in a piece like John William's Star Wars theme - the trumpets carry the melody with some relatively simple yet impressive sounding playing, while the violins and clarinets embellish with high, fast, difficult trills in counter melody. Why? The clarinetists have the chops for it - Williams gives the hard pieces to them because they can handle the shit he throws down.

Clarinets are also a staple in marching bands, and get the hard work because you don't get violins in marching bands. Why not? Lots of reasons, but marching bands work in all sorts of weather and the violin doesn't always respond well to changes in humidity, extreme temperatures. The clarinet is better suited for it, and as mentioned above, will often take the violin's music in certain music charters.

**Yes, but I like to think of John as a BAMF!**

That's fine, because as any swing, jazz, klezzmer or big band musician will tell you, clarinets kick ass as a solo instrument. There is no reason John can't shine on his own terms.

The beginning of Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin is swoon-worthy. Sherlock feels the music as if a hand passed up his body as the it climbs. John then swings effortlessly into the a humorous klezmer piece, eyes crinkling at Sherlock in enjoyment. From there he swings into Begin the Beguine, a smooth-sounding big band piece, and then into the wistful longing of Copland's Clarinet Concerto.

Sherlock's eyes sting a little as John sways a little with the music, eyes closed. After all the pain John had been through with the war, to hear him play so... soulfully, as if he were telling the universe a small secret about being lonely sometimes... Sherlock swears John will not feel lonely again.

**In short, the clarinet shines on its own, or it can be the steady rock of a group of musicians - both fit.**

**Are there any clarinet and violin duets?**

As written? Very few. Most clarinetists have to transpose. So, say Sherlock has a duet for violins. John would transpose the music to the clarinet's B flat to play.

Interested in threesomes - uh, I mean trios? There are more of these, involving violin, clarinet and some other instrument. If you like to think of the elder Holmes brother also playing an instrument, consider the piano for Mycroft. This is quite a good piece - Khachaturian Trio for Clarinet, violin and Piano

**How Sexy is a Clarinet, or Clarinetist?**

Most people will roll their eyes at this point, but considering the fandom, let's think about it.

**Picture it:**

You have an ex-Army doctor holding a clarinet case from his 'school days'. He has been spending a lot of time out of the flat lately. He wants to surprise Sherlock. He places it on the coffee table, and unlatches it. He muses, "I wonder if I still have the knack...?" He carefully lifts the pieces free of the velvet and lays them out in order. He picks up a tube of what looks like lip balm and uncaps it, rubbing the waxy substance into the cork. Sherlock sniffs. Menthol.

"What's that?" he asks.

"Cork grease. Keeps it from getting dry and crumbly. Not lip balm, in case you wondered," answers John, and recaps the tube.

He smiles at his flatmate, who is lying on the sofa, bemused. "Sherlock," he asks casually, "Give me a countdown, won't you?" Sherlock sits up, dressing gown flopping, interest caught.

"Ready? Three, two, one... Go!"

John's hands fly, grabbing pieces and twisting them into place in three...two...one and done. John is holding an assembled clarinet. That, ladies and gents is competence, and a kink all on its own. Ever watch a service man slap a gun or rifle together and gotten hot under the collar? This is exactly the same deftness and surety of hand.

John pulls out his box of reeds, selects one.

_Consider that tongue_ - it was made to lick a reed to moisten it up so it could be inserted into the ligature of the mouthpiece. John tightens it up, holds the clarinet up at a 45 degree angle, hands just so. He plays a few notes, re-adjusting the reed. He has to keep the reed moist while playing so it won't crack or chip. And isn't ligature one of the most sexy things you've ever heard concerning the clarinet? Or licking the reed.

Sherlock has to lick his own lips, which have gotten dry.

_A bit of technique next_. For our doctor-soldier, there is also the 'attack', both hard and soft. The tongue is held against the reed, and for the attack you pull it back slightly (more a release actually). For a soft attack, you do the equivalent of saying, "daa" or "Haa." For a sharper attack during the more staccato pieces, the clarinetist uses his tongue in a quick movement, as if he is saying, "Ta ta ta".

John is a good soldier. He knows how to attack. Sherlock's eyes widen as John plays through Rose Etude N.4 from 32 Etudes.

_Consider the above_, and how it could be used on human anatomy both male and female. John Watson was reputed by Murray to be a very "dirty boy."

**You know how to blow, don't you?**

In the previous chapter, we discussed embouchure - the mouth and muscles required to play well. The corners of the mouth need to be firm to have a _good seal_. The throat needs to have an '_open feeling_'. The cheeks can't puff out, you need to have good mouth muscles to apply _even pressure _on the mouthpiece. Folks, this is R-rated stuff right here. To say John would be a good fluffer would be an understatement. Sorry to be crass.

_Next - those hands_. A little broad, well muscled fingers, deft surgeon's hands. He'd have been very good. First chair, or leader of a section. Good quick fingering is essential to being a good clarinetist.

Sherlock watches, mouth slightly open as John runs a few scales. John's fingering is perfect - he plays the chromatic scale like a boss, and you would never know there is a register break in the clarinet by his deft fingering. His fingers piston through the trills effortlessly.

_And of course, lungs_ - you need great lungs, to take a deep breath, be able to hold it, and then expel the air in a measure, even way.

Sherlock is quite sure John can hold his breath a long, long time. His eyelids flutter at the thought, and he drops back on the sofa.

**A clarinet has too many bits on it too be sexy.**

This is true. But it's pretty.

As to the instrument itself - well, it doesn't lend itself to sensual swaying and gestures as much as the violin does. Of course, there are those who do like to see a good looking man place any kind of long cylindrical object in his mouth, of course.

Sherlock is swooning on the sofa now, arm over his eyes. He lifts his arm, and looks at John. "Are you any good at transposing? I'd like to play a... duet."

John nods. "Of course. Had to do that all the time in band." (Competence/intelligence/talent kink, anyone?)

"But before you ask something awkward, Sherlock, I'd like to show you something," John says casually. He drags a chair next to the sofa and sits on it. He carefully pulls off the bell (end) of the clarinet, and hands it to Sherlock. "Hold that a moment, won't you?" Sherlock takes it, puzzled. "You've always played mainly solo, haven't you? Not in a band or orchestra?" John asks.

"Yes..." answers Sherlock, unsure where this is going.

"So you don't know much about the clarinet, do you?"

Sherlock shakes his head mutely.

John grins. "Imagine that, me teaching you," he says, idly fingering the shining metalwork. "Normally, removing the bell will put the clarinet out of tune, barring a few notes."

"Why take it off then?"

John ignores the question as Sherlock has ignored so many of his in the past, continuing his explanation calmly. "Another function of the bell is to spread and diffuse the air flow and sound. Without it... I think you'll like this, then," he says and raises the clarinet, giving the reed a quick swipe of his tongue to re-moisten it. Sherlock's eyes follow the movement. John places the clarinet in his mouth, angling the bell-less end out so that it is hovering over Sherlock's diaphragm. Every finger clamps down, covering every hole except the bottom one. He takes a deep breath, and plays.

He expels hard, blowing a low E, and the resulting vibration of air makes Sherlock jerk in surprise. "Do that again," he demands, and John grins, and then firming his mouth slightly complies, riffing the note with the littlest finger on his right hand.

"I felt that right in my torso,"says Sherlock in a low tone. "Fascinating."

"An direct current of air, mostly being expelled and forced down through the opening where the bell should be. Pulsing with vibration," explains John. "No bell, no diffusion of sound or air. Helps to have good lungs, of course. With all the playing I've done, I have superior capacity, even after all this time."

Sherlock's pupils dilate with interest.

John cradles his instrument and smiles at his flatmate. "Experiment?"

"Yes, please," breathes Sherlock.

_As to the ending of the scene, you decide._


	2. General Information

This chapter dealing with the actual clarinet was written by co-author omnicron, who has played since he was twelve, on through university.

There were a lot of nifty pics, which I can't figure out how to format into the text here. If you are REALLY interested, comment and I'll find a way to send the document.

Go to Chapter 1 for my comments on how a clarinet and John Watson can be used for fan fic purposes.

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><p><strong>How to be a good clarinetist<strong>

A good clarinetist must have good technique. And that means hours and hours practicing scales, scales in thirds, arpeggios and stuff like that. Because for some reason, composers seem to enjoy giving the clarinets all of the really difficult technical counter melodies. If you listen to anything by John Williams, you'll hear the violins and the trumpets carrying the melody, and the clarinets are running all over the place with some very technical counter melody.

Clarinetists also have to have very strong mouth muscles (called embouchure ) and very strong lungs. There is a lot of "back pressure" created by the reed and the air column in the instrument.

**Usual size, shape, material for case? Compartments? **

Cases are usually rectangular in shape, and can be as small as a handbag or as large as a briefcase. Most cases are usually made of plastic but some very expensive ones can be made of wood covered in leather. There aren't usually many compartments (as in a sax case) but there's usually a place to keep your reeds, or a metronome and that's about it.

Larger more expensive / professional cases have room for two clarinets. Why would you need two clarinets you ask? Because clarinets and come in to different types.. tuned to two different keys. The clarinets that are most common are tuned to B flat (also called a soprano clarinet) but some clarinet repertoire is written for clarinets tuned to the key of A. So it's up to the player to either transpose on-the-fly from A to Bb [which is extremely difficult] or pick up the A clarinet and playing like normal. Note: Unless you are familiar with clarinets it would be virtually impossible to tell the difference between the two instruments (an A clarinet is a little bit longer and a little bit thicker).

**Reeds**

The clarinet reed is arguably the most important part of the instrument. Without a good reed you can't get a good sound even if you are an experienced clarinet player.

Clarinet reeds are all made from a kind of cane plant called "Arundo donax" .

The tip of the reed (the side that goes into the player's mouth) comes in varying thicknesses. A very thin reed is given the numerical value 1or 2. A thicker reed would be given a numerical value of 4 or 5. A thin reed is easier to play, but has a thinner tone and tends to chip more. A thicker reed requires more embouchure muscle strength and more breath support (lung power). I personally play on a thickness of 3 1/2.

Usually as a clarinet players embouchure strength increases they increase the thickness of the reed.. but this is not always the case. I know some very experienced players that play a 2 reed. (I started off on a 2).

**Reed Conditioning: **

No serious clarinet player will actually take a reed out of a box of reeds and just play on it. Most experienced clarinet players, will adjust their reed somewhat to suit their playing style, or even the individual piece (for very serious performers). A serious clarinet player will have:

1. A very flat surface on which to place the reed for adjustment.

2. Very fine sandpaper.

3. A knife

With time and practice (and a little bit of luck) a bad reed can be turned into an acceptable one, and a good reed can be turned into an excellent reed... or a piece of garbage if you make a mistake.

**Neck harness?**

Neck harness or neck straps are rarely used.. in fact I've only seen it once.. and that person was playing the Basset Horn (a cousin of the clarinet). I really don't know why you would use a neck strap.. the clarinet is not all that heavy and is easily supported by the thumb of the right-hand on the "thumb rest" on the back of the instrument.

However some bass clarinet players do choose to use a neck strap if they have to stand or march.

**Mute?**

There is no such thing as a clarinet mute. The reason for this is because the sound escapes not from a single point (like in a trumpet or trombone) but from every open hole along the instrument. The only time you would ever hear the effect of the "clarinet mute" would be when all fingers are down covering holes (lower register E, upper register B).

**Humidifier?**

I've never heard of a clarinet humidifier. But that does not necessarily mean that they do not exist. I imagine if you had an old wooden clarinet in storage, it might be wise to buy a humidifier to put in the case while it was in storage. "Some wooden clarinets do not respond well to humidity" (read with a Sean Connery accent).

Interesting fact: before the advent of plastic or resin clarinets, in the intense heat and variable humidity of the south Pacific, wooden clarinets would crack and break. So in the years of World War II (when the USO WENT to the Pacific and encountered this problem), a clarinet made of metal was created.. however a metal clarinet sounds a lot more like a soprano sax than anything else.. and is notoriously difficult to play according to what I have heard.

**Cork? **

Between each joint of the clarinet is a cork. These corks must be greased from time to time (so that it is easy to assemble and disassemble). Periodically the corks need to be replaced, especially the cork between the upper and lower joint (it will happen more often if you don't take the instrument apart for long periods of time).

**Upkeep?**

You need to occasionally clean the mouthpiece with warm water (not hot water as this will distort the plastic and can alter the shape of the mouthpiece). Also, after every time you play it, it is advisable to swap out the instrument to remove any condensation.. if you don't do this the pads may begin to rot or the instrument just may begin to smell funny. It's also not a good idea to eat something and then play the instrument as whatever you are eating will be blown into the instrument and the last thing you need is to have your lunch inside your instrument.

**Anatomy **

Look up videos on Youtube for extra help on how the pieces fit together. A clarinetist with quick hands and deft fingers can put the body together in about a count of three.

**How is it made? What materials for low to high end clarinets? **

Unfortunately, how a clarinet is made is a little bit out of the scope of my knowledge. All I know is that there are 24 tone holes along the instrument in each tone hole must be precisely placed along the axis of the instrument, and be precisely the right size. This (and a few other things) is what differentiates good-quality clarinets from poor quality clarinets.

A student model clarinet is usually made from plastic or resin, where professional level clarinets are made from wood. Boxwood, to be precise... however, now with modern material techniques, some very good instruments are made from a kind of vulcanized rubber.

**Good makers?**

Buffet (sometimes called Buffet Crampon)

Selmer (French company has recently produced some very good instruments)

Yamaha

LeBlanc

Bundy. Jupiter (every clarinet student is familiar with these brand name as they are very cheap and used in high schools and elementary schools as a student model instrument)

Ridenour (a company that makes very high quality professional level clarinets from vulcanized rubber.. these instruments arguably sound just as good as instruments made from wood).

**Cost?**

Student model will run you from anywhere between $100-$200. However that $100 clarinet is probably made in China and is a piece of shit.. not even student musicians should be made to play on a Chinese made clarinet.. they leak, they squeak, the pads don't seat right and even if you're good, the tone is generally abysmal.

A professional level clarinets (Like the Buffet "Tosca" ) will generally run you between $6,000 and $7,000.

**Repertoire?**

Yikes! Repertoire covers about 150 years! And includes everything from classical, Jazz, swing, klezmer and even some appearances in popular music however the instrument is not commonly used in pop music. Klezmer is some of the most technically difficult music to play.

Here is a short list:

Mozart : Clarinet Concerto

Weber : Concertino, Concertos nos 1 and 2, Grand Duo Concertante

Brahms : Sonatas nos. 1 and 2

Rossini : Introduction, Theme and Variations

Carl Stamnitz : Concerto

Aaron Copland : Concerto, Sonata

Leonard Bernstein : Sonata

Malcolm Arnold, Concertos nos 1 and 2, Sonatina

Saint Saens : Sonata

Finzi : Five Bagatelles, Concerto

Stanford : Sonata, Concerto, Three Intermezzi

Poulenc : Sonata for clarinet, Sonata for two clarinets

Stravinsky : Ebony Concerto

Anything played by Benny Goodman or Arty Shaw.

Philip Sparke : Concerto

Jim Parker : Concerto

Crusell : Clarinet Concertos nos 1, 2 and 3

and...the beginning of Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue

**Other - unusual pieces**

I heard of a piece where the performer is supposed to dress up in a clown outfit and accompany himself to the sounds of his own footsteps on a concrete floor. However I have never found this piece or anything to substantiate it. It could have been just the active imagination of a clarinet student.

**Techniques of using, handling, playing**

When you are putting together the clarinet you have to grip it kind of hard to push it together, so you need to keep your hands off the keys as much as possible (which is quite difficult because the keys are pretty much everywhere) to avoid damaging/bending them.

**Basic clarinet technique:**

1) blow in one end

2) wiggle your fingers on the outside of the instrument

3) try not to suck

4) ?

5) PROFIT!

**What to play?**

I always found it interesting to play the pieces that are the most technically difficult. This not only makes you sound cool but also prepares you for those vicious sections that composers like to throw a clarinet players in concert band repertoire (since they don't have violins to cover the part). Also playing in a "clarinet choir" is always a fun experience.

**What not to do (Drop it. Freeze it. Whatever.)**

If you have a wooden clarinet, it is best that you try to keep it in an environment that is relatively free from humidity or extreme/rapid changes in temperature. I remember marching with a young man that had recently purchased a wooden clarinet, (the director warned him against this) and sure enough, when on parade, the clarinet actually cracked (right on the finger holes of the upper joint). This was due not only to humidity in the air but also to be heat and rapid temperature change going from the case to the environment.

It's also not a good idea to expose clarinet to extremes of temperature.. however plastic clarinets are more resilient to this.

The clarinet mouthpiece is also quite sensitive. When cleaning it, you must never use very hot water, as this can cause small changes in the size and shape of the mouthpiece therefore rendering it useless.

You can drop a clarinet, it's generally not advisable but I've seen it happen with no ill effects… other that a shattered bell or a broken mouth piece. I remember one time on parade, a young child darted out in front of the person next to me. She almost tripped on the boy, but dropped her clarinet and the bell shattered into a million pieces.. Later she was able to finish the parade playing on that instrument.

**How to write about playing a clarinet so a clarinetist cries all sad because UR doing it wrong**

- Puffing out your cheeks. If you are playing the clarinet like you are blowing up a balloon thing you're doing it wrong. A good embouchure (mouth placement on the instrument) requires that the lips are tight and the cheeks are not puffed out. A good analogy would be if you were to hum the sound "em" keeping your lips tight.

- placing your right hand on the upper joint and your left-hand on the lower joint. That's completely backwards.

- pointing the clarinet out at a right angle to your face. The proper position for a clarinet should be on a 45 degree angle from your mouth.

What is the 'break'? Or the hardest part of learning the clarinet

The break is the most difficult part of the clarinet to master. Crossing the break is a major step in a clarinetist's journey into becoming good. The "break" is the end of the first register (called the **chalumeau **register) and the second register (called the **clarino **register). The first necessary thing a clarinetist must do is to know the notes that straddle the break. Basically, you have to jump registers, and typically this means beginners will squeak or honk when doing this. There are videos to help explain better without being technical. You can hear it.

**Why do beginners sound like a cat honking?**

Some of the reasons why a clarinet can sound like a cat in heat or a goose being pinched:

- The reed. If you have a bad reed (cracked, chipped).. you're going to squeak. Most students don't understand that you just can't take a reed out of the box and play it you have the condition it and work with it

- The instrument. If there is a bad seal on some of the upper keys it could let air in causing the instrument to leap up to the upper octave.

- Poor embouchure. If your muscles around your mouth are not strong enough to support the reed, a part of the reed could crash against the mouthpiece causing harmonic vibrations that cause the instrument to leap into the upper octave.

- Going over the break and not blowing hard enough of blowing too hard.

- Blowing too hard. If you try to put too much air through the instrument in the lower octave (with two firm an embouchure) it will cause the air column to become unstable and you'll squeak.


End file.
